bleckwoman

Today has been a hard day for me. It is my nephew’s 3rd birthday. And I have been kinda sad all day. I never thought that 3 years would go by and that Mike and I would still be childless. We have been trying for 3 1/2 years now and my heart aches today to know that we still don’t have the family we have wanted for so long. It aches almost as bad as it did the day that I found out that my brother and his wife were expecting. Talking to my nephew on the phone today made it worse, I know and feel what I am missing out on, not being a mom.  I sometimes don’t understand why things happen the way that they do. I don’t understand why someone who would love a child with every ounce of their being can’t seem to have one of their own. Sometimes I wonder what I ever did wrong to deserve that.  I know that I am here because I am fighting so hard not to go eat right now. I am here because I am working so hard to hopefully one day be able to hold a little hand and look into the eyes of the child that I have wanted to bring into this world for so long. I just hope that I am not too late, let’s face it I am already over 30 and my mom struggled having my brother because she was over 30.  Why did it take me so long to see that my life, needed a change? Why haven’t I been blessed with the precious life that I so long to create?
Sorry for the sadness, I am just feeling kinda down tonight.

So I went back to work this week teaching 5th grade at a local Catholic School.

Today I go to drop my students off at gym, and the gym teacher says to me you were just paid a compliment, and I was like um ok…. by who? and she told me the name but I didn’t recognize it, so she proceeded to tell me who the lady was. She is one of the parishioners at the Church and we had Mass with the kids this morning. Well I guess after mass the lady walked over to the gym teacher and asked is she had seen me because she wanted to tell me how great I looked. She told the gym teacher that I had lost a lot of weight and that I was looking great. So the gym teacher who happens to be one of my students parents as well, told the lady that she needed to catch me after church on Wednesday and let me know this. I guess she tried to find me after mass but I had already taken my students down to the basement of the church to get their book bags and stuff and she missed me or couldn’t find me. The lady is an older women and the lady friend of one of the school’s most generous benefactors. He basically gives the school a lot of money. She seems like a really nice lady but I never really talked to her much( at school we don’t have a lot of time to do that)
So when I heard this news this morning I was on cloud nine! Someone who I don’t even know that well, noticed that I have been working hard and paid me a compliment. It felt great.
From work the only two people who have noticed the changes in me and said anything about it are that lady and THE ART TEACHER..

I am sure the others have noticed they just didn’t say anything.

On a side note, last night I was sitting on the couch and I had my knees bent up in front of me, and I noticed that my legs are really toned after walking so much this summer. My thighs use to be like jello and jiggle all over the place. WEll last night I was hitting my legs and they weren’t jiggling, they were nice and tight. That too me shows that even though I lost only 4 pounds all summer, my body has gone through a lot of changes. I was able to tone it up. I felt accomplished after seeing that! The scale might not have showed me a big difference this summer, but I know there is one with the way my body looks.

It is my last day before returning to work full time tomorrow, so I wanted to relax today. I decided today was going to be about me! I started with exercise.
I did manage a 2 mile walk today and my knee has been ok thus far. I hope that is a good thing.

I also had to go shopping for a couple new bras due to the ones I had ripping. So I got two bras and then noticed a huge clearance section in the store. They had a lot of their summer stuff on sale for 75% off. I thought well maybe I could find a dressy tank top that I could wear with Capris for work. (it is suppose to be hot all week and my classroom will be unbearable). So I start looking in the 18/20 sections and find nothing. About to give up hope, I decided to look in the 14/16 section just for fun. Well I found this brown dressy looking tank top, and I decided to buy it and take it home without trying it on. I figured well if it doesn’t fit now it will fit by next summer, and it was only $3 on sale. It was originally marked $15.
So I buy it then get home and decide to try it on thinking well it probably won’t fit. Low and behold, it actually did fit!!!! I could fit in a size 14/16 shirt! I mean it was from Lane Bryant which is larger clothes but still 14/16!!!! I was wearing a 26/28 or 30/32 not long ago! This made my day today!!!
Then to top it all off, my mom’s friend who has been cleaning out her closets and sending the clothes to me some of which still had tags on them, sent me 2 huge bags full of clothes!!! I am going to be the best dressed teacher this year!! My favorite thing she sent me was a jumper that zips up the front! I’ll have to take pictures when I do wear it, which won’t be until it gets cooler!
I love getting these hand me downs from that lady, the clothes are practically brand new! And she is saving me tons of money! The only thing is most of her shirts that she has sent are larger sizes, which I can wear, but I have to wear them with like a tank top or something under them and leave them unbuttoned. They would be too big otherwise, but the pants are perfect!!

I am so excited!!! This was a great day and a perfect way to end the summer. I have been struggling all summer trying to loose, and then gaining and loosing and gaining again. Total I have only lost like 4 pounds over the last 2 months since I have been on vacation. I am hoping that going back to work will change that. I will be on a set schedule and stuff now. I am also hoping that my battle with the sadness and depression will go away now that I am going back to work wand will have my students back. I can’t wait to see what everyone says about my progress when I go in tomorrow. I might not have lost much , but I think my body has gotten toner since school let out in June. I think I might take some measurements again and see how they look.

But for now I better get some shut eye. I have to be up early tomorrow and get ready to go back to work. I’ll let you all know how it went when I get home!