bleckwoman

So I had someone come and take some new pictures of my husband and I. The only pictures we really have of the two of us together are from our wedding over 4 years ago. They make me feel sick when I look at them and see how large I was in the pictures. They are hanging all over our house too. Sure some days I look at them and feel blessed to be reminded how much I have lost and how good I look now, but other days forget it!

So I posted the new pictures in the heartbreaker forum from last week.My buddy Sandy said that I look so great and that she sees so muchlove between my hubby and I. She said that we look so happy and that if I was as happy on the inside as I look on the outside, then I would be great. That got me to thinking, I am not as happy inside. I have been battling depression all summer and still have my moments now.No matter what I do, those moments don’t seem to go away. I am not happy on the inside, I am sad and unable to shake the feeling.  Sure when I am around others I can put on a smile and fakefeeling great, but deep down inside I am crying all the time.

I wish that I could feel as good on the inside as I do on the outside. Things just don’t seem to go that way for me. I think it is the fact that wehave tried for so long for that family, and it doesn’t happen. I know someday that it will but right now that knowledge isn’t enough to make me feel better. especially when it seems like every one I know is pregnant, or everywhere I look I see a happy family, or expecting couple. I am sure that one day I will get my chance, but what I don’t understand is why I have to wait for so long when there are people out there who don’t even want kids and they are blessed with them.  Another reason I am depressed is that my hubby doesn’t bother with me as much as he use to when we were first married. He spends a lot of his time in his office on his computer while I am watching tv  or making dinner and folding laundry or what ever  I am doing. I need the attention. I have mentioned this to him before, that I need to feel that he loves m. BUt then I feel like the attention he gives me is force. Like he doesn’t want to be bothered.

O well, hopefully this week will go better. Maybe it will be an up week for me. All I know is that I could really use a hug, and a nice long walk but it is too late to walk tonight.

earned! I am so happy this morning! When I stepped on the scale and saw that I lost 1 pounds I almost went through the roof! It has taken me for ever to meet this mini goal! I was gaining and loosing and gaining and loosing again! It was awful! But now I have met my mini goal and I am ready to set another one! I am so excited!

My week has had it’s shares of ups and downs but it has been a good week over all! In my last blog I blogged about why I wanted to loose the weight and now that I am realized why I am feeling so much better, and I am proud of my accomplishments!

So many people send me messages first off saying congrats on all the weight you have lost or WOW you have lost a lot of weight. The second thing that they say is  How are you loosing the weight, what are you doing?  I have lost count of how many people have asked me this. When I sit and think about it, it is funny to me becuase a year ago I would have never had people so interested in my life, or what I was doing. I am just an ordinary person, nothing special. I don’t do anything special, I have just learned how to eat right and exercise like the rest of the people on here. I have also found what motivates me to be a big help! I work hard, and I don’t give up where before I would have given up if I had gained a pound back. My mind is at a different stage now.  My journey is not a diet, it is a lifestyle change. One that not only amazes me, but that amazes my family and friends and complete strangers.

When I sit and think, about how many times I have tried this before and failed, I am so glad that this time is different!I am happy that I am succeeding and that I am here on this wonderful site sharing this with all of the wonderful friends I have made. You all support me and help me on this journey more than you will ever know! I don’t think that if I was doing this alone I would have had so much success! Thank you!

Ok so the heartbreaker’s thread for the week asked us to re-evaluate why we wanted to loose weight.. I did a lot of thinking and this is my answer: 

Ok so to re-evaluate why I want to loose weight. Well, this task proved
very interesting for me. When I sat down to think about it, I came up
with an answer that I didn’t expect.
I want to loose weight to
feel better about myself and to be able to be the mommy I have always
wanted to be. I use to say it was to prove my doctor wrong, and to
shove it in her face. However I am beyond that now, I don’t have to
prove anything to her, I know I can do it whether she thought so or
not. I have come so far, and I do have to thank her for getting me
started on my journey by telling me that I can’t do it. But now I have
myself to thank for keeping me in the race. I feel so much better than
I have ever felt in my whole life. I am feeling confident when I go out
places, and I know how to make better choices for myself! I know now
what I have never been able to know my whole life. I know self control
and drive! I have learned that on my journey and I owe that to all of
my buddies who have never let me give up no matter how hard things have
gotten!!!

I just wanted to share this with you all, and maybe you too will re-evaluate why you want to loose weight!!

I have stayed on track all week, drank my water, walked  3 days, and did everything right for a whole week. It has been a few months since that has happened, and well it paid off!! I lost 4 pounds this week! That is the two that I gained 2 weeks ago and then 2 extra on top of that! I am now one pound away from my mini goal and at my lightest weight yet!

It has been a long time since I last blogged. Almost a month, but school started back up and I have hardly anytime to do anything because of the piles of papers I must correct and lessons I must plan.  I am finally realizing that I need to take a step back and do this for me. I need to have time for me somewhere in the week, and I have decided to try to set aside sometime at some point during the week to blog.

Things are going good now. It has been a rough couple weeks adjusting to the start of school, but now I am on target and ready to roll! I had someone I don’t even really  talk to much compliment me a couple weeks ago. That made me fly through the roof! I was so happy that people I don’t even really spend time with or talk to noticed.

Well I better start my day off. Thanks for listening!!!