bleckwoman

Well, I never thought that a year ago when I decided to start on this journey that I would be where I am today. Tomorrow will mark one year on this site and one year of being on my lifestyle change. I have come so far in that year, and I owe most of it to this site and all the wonderful people I have met on here. Especially my acountability buddy Sandy!!!!! my heartbreaker buddies, and Nicole!! I don’t know what I would do with out you all!

You have made this journey so much easier, there is something about knowing that you have a friend that understands and is going through the same thing that makes it easier to deal with!

So I haven’t gotten to where I wanted to be in a year, but that is ok! I have come so far and I am feeling great! I have lost 66 pounds. I can walk more than a block, and I know better with my eating! I exercise at least 3 times a week and when I am off from work, every day! I have dropped 5 sizes in jeans and all my other clothes. I am feeling on top of the world, knowing that I did all that in a year. If you would have asked me a year ago when I first found this site, what I wanted to do I wouldn’t have had an answer. It has been a long journey, one that is no where near being done, but one that I know I can handle as long as I have all the support of my buddies!

I don’t know why I didn’t find this site a long time ago! Love to you all!!

I had some friends over and I did something soooo wroing! They all wanted to order pizza and wings for dinner. So we did, and I ate a sandwich instead. But they all just left and well I broke down and are a small square of pizza and some wings, like 6. I am going to be so sick later from all the grease. I don’t even know why I ate it… it didn’t taste that good, and I wasn’t hungry. I just don’t know what is wrong with me! I am going to gain for sure doing that. I think that today was just a rough day for me and now I really have to work extra hard to get this weight off! I can’t be doing that…. I am so mad at myself!

It was like I didn’t even care that I am trying to loose weight. It was like second natrure for me to just grab the food and shove it in! Not good!!!! I have to get back on the wagon right away and stop this self distructive behavior!!!!

So I just don’t understand it, I was good all week and yet I manage to gain 2 pounds. I really and getting discouraged. I am approaching my one year mark with this journey and I am reversing my progress. I am going in the wrong direction.

I was so good this week. I followed my plan copmpletely, I got in two days on the elliptical and one day of snow shoveling for an hour. So I got my three days of exercise in. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I drank my water and all that jazz.

I mean I know everyone is going to say it is ok, it happens and you will loose the weight. But that is not the point. I feel like my body is fighting me and that my body is going to win. I feel like my worst fear is going to come true and that I am going to gain back all the weight that I lost.

I am going to work hard again this week and see how it goes. Hopefully I won’t have a gain again.  If anyone has any suggestions for new exercises that don’t take a lot of time and will help me out please let me know.

Well I have gone and fallen off the wagon the last few days, so far off that I don’t know if I can get back on. I took a personal day from work on Friday and spent the day eating everything in my sight and now today we were baking cookies for Christmas ( family tradition) and I was sampling all the cookies. I knew better but I just kept shoving them in my mouth. I haven’t done this stuff like this since I started this journey almost a year ago. I just don’t understand why I am doing it.  I have come so far and now I feel like I am sabotaging myself.

I know I need to continue this journey, but I am afriad that I can’t get myself motivated again. I have been trying the last 3 days and it doesn’t seem to work. I tell myself that I am going to stop, but I don’t. I know I am wrong but I am continuing to do it. I am feeling helpless and afraid. I am afraid that I am going to go back to gaining all my weight back.

Watching the Biggest Loser yesterday ( I DVRed it) I understood Bob’s concern for Vicky, that she was going to gain all the weight back after she left the ranch. Because she didn’t learn anything. I was feeling that nightmare as I watched it. But I have learned something, I know that it is important to exercise and eat healthy it makes you feel great. I can give other’s advice, but  I can’t seem to take it myself this past couple days, ok couple weeks.

I need a good kick in the butt, I need to find my motivation again, I have lost it and I’m afraid that if I don’t find it soon I am going to continue in this downward spiral.

I have decided after reading through some of the blogs that I am going to share my goals with all of you for the next month. What do I hope to accomplish by the end of December.   Well I would like to stay on track everyday for the whole month, no eating things I shouldn’t  be eating. I want to journal all my food  each day.  I would like to stay on a loosing streak, and not have a weigh in where I gain at all this month! I also want to make sure I am getting exercise at least 3-4 times a week. I am also going to try to not stress out and remain calm during the whole month. Lately with my job and things that has been difficult.

So there now that I have these goals in writing, maybe I will be able to meet them all. I know now that you all know and will hold me accountable for my goals.

I had a a long day yesterday  and when I  got home my mom called  I need some prayers… my nephew had an xray done and they found out that his spinal cord is wrapped too tight at the bottom and he could end up paralyzed. They have an appointment with the neurologist and all but I don’t know if there is anything that they can do for it. If you could pray for him any his parents that would be greatly appreciated. I am so worried about him, I love that little boy like he is my own. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I don’t have any children and he is the closest thing I have to my own. He is only 3 years old and he is so active and always on the go. It might be a blessing that they found this now, because they were actually looking for something else. Maybe it is God’s way of saying look there is something else wrong.

I just don’t think that I could bare to watch him go through this.. All prayers would be appreciated…

that I have gained 3 pounds this week. Sure I admit I had a slip up last Sunday and ate a few pieces of Halloween candy, but not enough to gain 3 pounds. That is half the weight that I lost last month, all in a week. I worked really hard to get my exercise in and not eat any more candy all week. Every time I was heading for the dish, I thought of my buddy Sandy (LYM) and how she would be sooooooo mad at me and give me a butt kicking. I had my husband put the bowl in his room where I can’t see it. I haven’t touched it since my slip  up last Sunday.

I even did something that I didn’t think I could do on Wednesday. I got home late from work and it was too dark to go for a walk, so I got on my elliptical machine and stayed on for 30 minutes.I had to push myself to stay on but I did it, and I was so proud of myself for doing it. I even had my husband yelling at me like Jillian so that I wouldn’t get off before my 30 minutes were up.

I just don’t understand how the scale can say what it did.

I am going to vow today that this is back to the beginning or me. I have been on this journey for almost 11 months and I am starting fresh today. No more little slip ups, and I am going to loose those three pounds again. I want to be at 70 pounds down before I go to my doctor again. I want to be healthy, I don’t want to feel ashamed and embarrased to come on this site and report that I have gained again. Even though I don’t know how it happened.

I am feeling sad today, because of the scale and I know that this is going to be a rough week for me already with the schedule I am going to have for work. I don’t need this sadness with the week I am heading for already. I really need happiness to get me through. Just wish I could find it in me to pull through.

Thanks for reading, I know I have been rambling, but I have to get it out somewhere, before it makes me depressed.

So I had someone come and take some new pictures of my husband and I. The only pictures we really have of the two of us together are from our wedding over 4 years ago. They make me feel sick when I look at them and see how large I was in the pictures. They are hanging all over our house too. Sure some days I look at them and feel blessed to be reminded how much I have lost and how good I look now, but other days forget it!

So I posted the new pictures in the heartbreaker forum from last week.My buddy Sandy said that I look so great and that she sees so muchlove between my hubby and I. She said that we look so happy and that if I was as happy on the inside as I look on the outside, then I would be great. That got me to thinking, I am not as happy inside. I have been battling depression all summer and still have my moments now.No matter what I do, those moments don’t seem to go away. I am not happy on the inside, I am sad and unable to shake the feeling.  Sure when I am around others I can put on a smile and fakefeeling great, but deep down inside I am crying all the time.

I wish that I could feel as good on the inside as I do on the outside. Things just don’t seem to go that way for me. I think it is the fact that wehave tried for so long for that family, and it doesn’t happen. I know someday that it will but right now that knowledge isn’t enough to make me feel better. especially when it seems like every one I know is pregnant, or everywhere I look I see a happy family, or expecting couple. I am sure that one day I will get my chance, but what I don’t understand is why I have to wait for so long when there are people out there who don’t even want kids and they are blessed with them.  Another reason I am depressed is that my hubby doesn’t bother with me as much as he use to when we were first married. He spends a lot of his time in his office on his computer while I am watching tv  or making dinner and folding laundry or what ever  I am doing. I need the attention. I have mentioned this to him before, that I need to feel that he loves m. BUt then I feel like the attention he gives me is force. Like he doesn’t want to be bothered.

O well, hopefully this week will go better. Maybe it will be an up week for me. All I know is that I could really use a hug, and a nice long walk but it is too late to walk tonight.

earned! I am so happy this morning! When I stepped on the scale and saw that I lost 1 pounds I almost went through the roof! It has taken me for ever to meet this mini goal! I was gaining and loosing and gaining and loosing again! It was awful! But now I have met my mini goal and I am ready to set another one! I am so excited!

My week has had it’s shares of ups and downs but it has been a good week over all! In my last blog I blogged about why I wanted to loose the weight and now that I am realized why I am feeling so much better, and I am proud of my accomplishments!

So many people send me messages first off saying congrats on all the weight you have lost or WOW you have lost a lot of weight. The second thing that they say is  How are you loosing the weight, what are you doing?  I have lost count of how many people have asked me this. When I sit and think about it, it is funny to me becuase a year ago I would have never had people so interested in my life, or what I was doing. I am just an ordinary person, nothing special. I don’t do anything special, I have just learned how to eat right and exercise like the rest of the people on here. I have also found what motivates me to be a big help! I work hard, and I don’t give up where before I would have given up if I had gained a pound back. My mind is at a different stage now.  My journey is not a diet, it is a lifestyle change. One that not only amazes me, but that amazes my family and friends and complete strangers.

When I sit and think, about how many times I have tried this before and failed, I am so glad that this time is different!I am happy that I am succeeding and that I am here on this wonderful site sharing this with all of the wonderful friends I have made. You all support me and help me on this journey more than you will ever know! I don’t think that if I was doing this alone I would have had so much success! Thank you!

Ok so the heartbreaker’s thread for the week asked us to re-evaluate why we wanted to loose weight.. I did a lot of thinking and this is my answer: 

Ok so to re-evaluate why I want to loose weight. Well, this task proved
very interesting for me. When I sat down to think about it, I came up
with an answer that I didn’t expect.
I want to loose weight to
feel better about myself and to be able to be the mommy I have always
wanted to be. I use to say it was to prove my doctor wrong, and to
shove it in her face. However I am beyond that now, I don’t have to
prove anything to her, I know I can do it whether she thought so or
not. I have come so far, and I do have to thank her for getting me
started on my journey by telling me that I can’t do it. But now I have
myself to thank for keeping me in the race. I feel so much better than
I have ever felt in my whole life. I am feeling confident when I go out
places, and I know how to make better choices for myself! I know now
what I have never been able to know my whole life. I know self control
and drive! I have learned that on my journey and I owe that to all of
my buddies who have never let me give up no matter how hard things have
gotten!!!

I just wanted to share this with you all, and maybe you too will re-evaluate why you want to loose weight!!